What am I doing now? Good question. I am literally sitting on Reece's couch typing and watching Get Him to the Greek. But what else is going on?
Still talking to M. He's been restless and short the last few days, so now I'm giving him space. I doubt he misses me, but when he does he'll come back. It could be something someday, but for now he's too emotionally damaged for a relationship. At least he's honest.
I'm on another dating site, but I still haven't gone out. I lose my nerve, or the guys do/say something pervy, and then I just don't want to go. Apathy. It's a beautiful thing...yeah...
So far it's ok being back at Mom and Dad's, but it's definitely still lonely. Very lonely. Makes even the pervs sound a little tempting...uh, don't think about that.
Let's sum it up: Single? yup. Lonely? definitely. Still haven't forgiven them? Sounds about right. So for now, I'm going to say that the status quo remains unchanged.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
On Meeting New People
So last time I mentioned that I had started making new friends. There's the girl next door, Sarah Q. Sarah's sister Christine, and her brother Sean. And then Sarah F. and other people that I met at a party that I crashed with Reece. New friends are nice, but I still prefer my old ones lol. But One of the people I met is absolutely amazing. Loves travel and adventure, and books and music, and is a family oriented person at heart. And there are a million other things that just floor me. His name is ...going to remain a secret. So I'm just going to refer to him as M.
I've only known him for 10 days. We talk every day, texting or facebook, or the night we actually hung out, walking and talking for over 3 hours. He makes me think. He makes me feel interesting, where I've mostly felt like I've been boring people, even my best friends. And I haven't even mentioned how pretty he is.
I haven't told anybody this, not even Reece (although she'll know as soon as I post this lol). When M. and I met at that party, we made eye contact, and I experienced deja vu. This is not the first time it's happened to me, but it's definitely the first time a person has ever triggered it. And maybe it means something. And maybe it's nothing. But it's certainly interesting.
I've only known him for 10 days. We talk every day, texting or facebook, or the night we actually hung out, walking and talking for over 3 hours. He makes me think. He makes me feel interesting, where I've mostly felt like I've been boring people, even my best friends. And I haven't even mentioned how pretty he is.
I haven't told anybody this, not even Reece (although she'll know as soon as I post this lol). When M. and I met at that party, we made eye contact, and I experienced deja vu. This is not the first time it's happened to me, but it's definitely the first time a person has ever triggered it. And maybe it means something. And maybe it's nothing. But it's certainly interesting.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The Big Move
In the last month (give or take) where I have not been keeping up with my blogging (sorry) I have made some huge changes in my life.
1) I transferred from Mott Community College to Eastern Michigan University. I will spend approximately the same amount of time in school, and I will have a bachelor's degree instead of an associate's degree with a crazy waiting period. It will allow me to keep my health insurance, which will in turn allow me to have a bariatric procedure done in the summer. I'm very excited about the whole thing.
2) I moved in with my parents. As of two weeks ago, I live with them in a suburb of a very large city. I don't care for the location. It is almost 2 hours away from where I really want to be, near my church and friends, and my life. I'm almost unpacked, I have cleaned out a lot of stuff and downsized a bit. It's not so bad, I guess.
3) I got a new job as a nanny. I quit my home health care job, and they were very sad to see me go. My manager told me that if I ever needed anything, to give him a call. It was very sweet. My new job is amazing!!! I'm working with a family with two kids, a 5 year old boy (T) and an 8 year old girl (A). I love it, and those kids brighten up my whole day!!! For example: yesterday at work, I got to pretend to be Darth Vader, and had an epic lightsaber battle that ranged throughout the entire house. Additionally, I started teaching (T) how to play the Star Wars theme on piano. My job rocks!
4) I've started to meet people. And talk to people. And register for classes. Who knows, maybe I'll go on a date next. That would be a huge step.
In conclusion, I'm doing alright.
1) I transferred from Mott Community College to Eastern Michigan University. I will spend approximately the same amount of time in school, and I will have a bachelor's degree instead of an associate's degree with a crazy waiting period. It will allow me to keep my health insurance, which will in turn allow me to have a bariatric procedure done in the summer. I'm very excited about the whole thing.
2) I moved in with my parents. As of two weeks ago, I live with them in a suburb of a very large city. I don't care for the location. It is almost 2 hours away from where I really want to be, near my church and friends, and my life. I'm almost unpacked, I have cleaned out a lot of stuff and downsized a bit. It's not so bad, I guess.
3) I got a new job as a nanny. I quit my home health care job, and they were very sad to see me go. My manager told me that if I ever needed anything, to give him a call. It was very sweet. My new job is amazing!!! I'm working with a family with two kids, a 5 year old boy (T) and an 8 year old girl (A). I love it, and those kids brighten up my whole day!!! For example: yesterday at work, I got to pretend to be Darth Vader, and had an epic lightsaber battle that ranged throughout the entire house. Additionally, I started teaching (T) how to play the Star Wars theme on piano. My job rocks!
4) I've started to meet people. And talk to people. And register for classes. Who knows, maybe I'll go on a date next. That would be a huge step.
In conclusion, I'm doing alright.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Things that Should Never Happen...
So remember me telling you about that job that I was suspended from? Well they fired me yesterday. And then I went to church, for my bell choir rehearsal. For a group which also includes my ex-fiance. I felt like crap. And he smiled at me.
At the end of rehearsal we were both walking out with a mutual friend, REN, who asked me what was wrong, and so I told them, and they were full of sympathy. And then I stood out in the parking lot, while the ex checked something on my car upon request, until we were the only ones there. I am not proud of what happened next.
He told me that I looked mad and upset, and he asked if I wanted a hug. I had the option to say no, but of course I didn't. And I cried. I soaked his shoulder with tears. And he just held me and told me it would be ok, and I just cried harder. And then finally I couldn't take the closeness anymore, and I pushed him away, and he stood there in the parking lot with me, and listened to my problems, many of which can be layed at his feet. And he answered some questions I had about the end of our relationship, and he didn't lie to me. That was a nice change.
I hated myself a little bit. I knew that he wouldn't leave me there alone as long as I was still crying. And I could have tried to pull myself together, but I didn't. And then I went home and dreamed about him.
I've been out of sorts all day. I feel like I could fall into a bottle and never crawl out. And SDP, I know you're probably reading this and thinking "You're not an alcoholic..." Well I feel like I am. And that's the issue. Yet another thing I can lay at JLR's feet...
At the end of rehearsal we were both walking out with a mutual friend, REN, who asked me what was wrong, and so I told them, and they were full of sympathy. And then I stood out in the parking lot, while the ex checked something on my car upon request, until we were the only ones there. I am not proud of what happened next.
He told me that I looked mad and upset, and he asked if I wanted a hug. I had the option to say no, but of course I didn't. And I cried. I soaked his shoulder with tears. And he just held me and told me it would be ok, and I just cried harder. And then finally I couldn't take the closeness anymore, and I pushed him away, and he stood there in the parking lot with me, and listened to my problems, many of which can be layed at his feet. And he answered some questions I had about the end of our relationship, and he didn't lie to me. That was a nice change.
I hated myself a little bit. I knew that he wouldn't leave me there alone as long as I was still crying. And I could have tried to pull myself together, but I didn't. And then I went home and dreamed about him.
I've been out of sorts all day. I feel like I could fall into a bottle and never crawl out. And SDP, I know you're probably reading this and thinking "You're not an alcoholic..." Well I feel like I am. And that's the issue. Yet another thing I can lay at JLR's feet...
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pulling myself together
It has been a really difficult year for me. Let's recap:
January - Engaged and living with a man (JLR) with a really crappy job. Retaking a difficult nursing class while working. Barely making ends meet.
February - We decide not to celebrate Valentine's Day, because we didn't have any extra cash to spend, not even on a simple dinner date. He and I are fighting. A lot.
March - JLR comes home one night to tell me that after almost 5 years, he's not happy, and he's thinking about leaving me. One of my best friends (DMO), and roommates, moves out of our home.
April - Midterms. JLR actually leaves me. Brutally. I fail an exam, due to lack of focus. Then JLR starts dating DMO less than a week after leaving. I am devastated. And I descend into a depression with a bottle of tequila.
May - Still drinking too much. Still not focusing well on anything that is not directly related to holding myself together in public. Got ferociously drunk on our 5 year anniversary.
June - Fail another class, only my program won't let me retake it. I officially flunk out of school. Blame JLR for the whole thing. Kindle some fury.
July - Still angry at the whole world.
August - Transfer schools, only this one has a two year waiting list for the classes that I need. Awesome (sarcasm).
September - Met a really great guy. Who is not interested in me at all. Not that I'm totally ready to try again anyway. (Still blaming JLR)
and that brings us to
October - working two jobs. Until I got suspended from one of them on suspicion of stealing coupons. Still waiting to find out whether or not they are going to fire me.
And there are still two and a half months left for something to go horribly wrong in 2012.
Don't get me wrong, a few good things came out of this rotten year: I am saved from marrying a lying, cheating, good-for-nothing. I no longer have a friend so desperate for a relationship that she has to steal mine. I got to spend some really good quality time with my BFF (SDP). I have proven that I can rise to a challenge, and overcome obstacles. I realized that I have an amazing work ethic. I learned that I can still make new friends. I became aware of a great deal of inner strength. I developed a closer relationship with my brother, and managed to stay close with my mom, and maintained status quo with my dad.
Currently I am trying to live with the fact that I am moving away from my friends, my job, my church, and my entire life at the end of this year. It's a good decision, logical, practical, and focused on my future successes. But it's hard to deal with it, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to hate it.
I am moving back in with my parents. I am going back to school full time. I'm going to finish my nursing degree. I'm going to stay on my dad's health insurance so that I can undergo bariatric surgery. I am going to try to become everything that I couldn't before, not with JLR holding me back. I am going to invest the next few years in myself, and see where I end up.
I hope it's worth it.
January - Engaged and living with a man (JLR) with a really crappy job. Retaking a difficult nursing class while working. Barely making ends meet.
February - We decide not to celebrate Valentine's Day, because we didn't have any extra cash to spend, not even on a simple dinner date. He and I are fighting. A lot.
March - JLR comes home one night to tell me that after almost 5 years, he's not happy, and he's thinking about leaving me. One of my best friends (DMO), and roommates, moves out of our home.
April - Midterms. JLR actually leaves me. Brutally. I fail an exam, due to lack of focus. Then JLR starts dating DMO less than a week after leaving. I am devastated. And I descend into a depression with a bottle of tequila.
May - Still drinking too much. Still not focusing well on anything that is not directly related to holding myself together in public. Got ferociously drunk on our 5 year anniversary.
June - Fail another class, only my program won't let me retake it. I officially flunk out of school. Blame JLR for the whole thing. Kindle some fury.
July - Still angry at the whole world.
August - Transfer schools, only this one has a two year waiting list for the classes that I need. Awesome (sarcasm).
September - Met a really great guy. Who is not interested in me at all. Not that I'm totally ready to try again anyway. (Still blaming JLR)
and that brings us to
October - working two jobs. Until I got suspended from one of them on suspicion of stealing coupons. Still waiting to find out whether or not they are going to fire me.
And there are still two and a half months left for something to go horribly wrong in 2012.
Don't get me wrong, a few good things came out of this rotten year: I am saved from marrying a lying, cheating, good-for-nothing. I no longer have a friend so desperate for a relationship that she has to steal mine. I got to spend some really good quality time with my BFF (SDP). I have proven that I can rise to a challenge, and overcome obstacles. I realized that I have an amazing work ethic. I learned that I can still make new friends. I became aware of a great deal of inner strength. I developed a closer relationship with my brother, and managed to stay close with my mom, and maintained status quo with my dad.
Currently I am trying to live with the fact that I am moving away from my friends, my job, my church, and my entire life at the end of this year. It's a good decision, logical, practical, and focused on my future successes. But it's hard to deal with it, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to hate it.
I am moving back in with my parents. I am going back to school full time. I'm going to finish my nursing degree. I'm going to stay on my dad's health insurance so that I can undergo bariatric surgery. I am going to try to become everything that I couldn't before, not with JLR holding me back. I am going to invest the next few years in myself, and see where I end up.
I hope it's worth it.
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