Things that Should Never Happen...

So remember me telling you about that job that I was suspended from? Well they fired me yesterday. And then I went to church, for my bell choir rehearsal. For a group which also includes my ex-fiance. I felt like crap. And he smiled at me.

At the end of rehearsal we were both walking out with a mutual friend, REN, who asked me what was wrong, and so I told them, and they were full of sympathy. And then I stood out in the parking lot, while the ex checked something on my car upon request, until we were the only ones there. I am not proud of what happened next.

He told me that I looked mad and upset, and he asked if I wanted a hug. I had the option to say no, but of course I didn't. And I cried. I soaked his shoulder with tears. And he just held me and told me it would be ok, and I just cried harder. And then finally I couldn't take the closeness anymore, and I pushed him away, and he stood there in the parking lot with me, and listened to my problems, many of which can be layed at his feet. And he answered some questions I had about the end of our relationship, and he didn't lie to me. That was a nice change.

I hated myself a little bit. I knew that he wouldn't leave me there alone as long as I was still crying. And I could have tried to pull myself together, but I didn't. And then I went home and dreamed about him.

I've been out of sorts all day. I feel like I could fall into a bottle and never crawl out. And SDP, I know you're probably reading this and thinking "You're not an alcoholic..." Well I feel like I am. And that's the issue. Yet another thing I can lay at JLR's feet...