Always Something There to Remind Me

It started like any other day: get up, shower, eat a bagel. Then I started working on a protect for a friend, a baby blanket. And so I spent some time thinking about the baby I lost years ago. And about him. I shook it off, did something else for awhile.

Then a song came on the radio. One of Our songs. I changed the station. It was a bad voodoo day. Every station was playing a song that reminded me of him, so I finished the drive to work in silence. This was of course the worst thing I could have done; now my mind was full of him. The good times, the bad times, the tender moments, the big fights, and the romantic gestures.

Being at work with the kids didn't help either. They have been on this kick where the only game they want to play is Life. I can't help but think about the path I had mapped out for a life with him.

And then I was home alone, and the only thing more deafening than the silence was the endless string of thoughts of him, and how he left. And now he's marrying another woman, when he was supposed to marry me. And then I gave in to the impulse that I have far more often than is comfortable, although I don't give in every time.

I went into the spare room and took my wedding dress out of the closet and laid it on the bed. And stared at the bag, trying to convince myself to leave it alone. But since when do I take advice from anyone, even myself? I took it out of the bag and touched it reverently, still in awe of its perfection. And then I got out the rest: my veil, my tiara, my corset and petticoat. I removed them from all the layers of paper and plastic and laid them out beside my dress. But of course I didn't just admire them and put them away.

I put them on and stared at myself in the mirror. Looking back at me was the woman I had wanted to become, the woman that a part of me still yearns to be. My playlist finally came to THE song, Our Song. And it was just one more broken promise than I could bear. I carefully undressed and gently put away my wedding day finery before I let the first tear fall.

Why did I do this to myself? I know the answer. I still love him, even though I'll never be his bride. Not even if he asked again.

Things that Should Never Happen...

So remember me telling you about that job that I was suspended from? Well they fired me yesterday. And then I went to church, for my bell choir rehearsal. For a group which also includes my ex-fiance. I felt like crap. And he smiled at me.

At the end of rehearsal we were both walking out with a mutual friend, REN, who asked me what was wrong, and so I told them, and they were full of sympathy. And then I stood out in the parking lot, while the ex checked something on my car upon request, until we were the only ones there. I am not proud of what happened next.

He told me that I looked mad and upset, and he asked if I wanted a hug. I had the option to say no, but of course I didn't. And I cried. I soaked his shoulder with tears. And he just held me and told me it would be ok, and I just cried harder. And then finally I couldn't take the closeness anymore, and I pushed him away, and he stood there in the parking lot with me, and listened to my problems, many of which can be layed at his feet. And he answered some questions I had about the end of our relationship, and he didn't lie to me. That was a nice change.

I hated myself a little bit. I knew that he wouldn't leave me there alone as long as I was still crying. And I could have tried to pull myself together, but I didn't. And then I went home and dreamed about him.

I've been out of sorts all day. I feel like I could fall into a bottle and never crawl out. And SDP, I know you're probably reading this and thinking "You're not an alcoholic..." Well I feel like I am. And that's the issue. Yet another thing I can lay at JLR's feet...