A Proposition

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

            This was not what I expected. Only in my wildest dreams, maybe. I can’t focus today. Couldn’t sleep last night. Too Restless. Too Anxious. Too Excited.

            So the last few days M. has been texting me a lot. I figured he missed my sparkling personality. Yesterday he texted me just to chat. He got a new phone; how school was going; home life. We eventually morphed from texting to IM’ing.

            We talked about loneliness and isolation and insomnia. He simply can’t sleep. I have trouble sleeping alone. I jokingly told him he should get laid – that would help him sleep. He laughed and agreed. And then we just talked about sex. Partners, experiences, risky locations. I asked how long it’s been for him. “About 2 months. You?” “About 2 weeks.” I told him about my one night stand with J., and how he’s ignored me since.

            M. made me two offers: 1) to punch J. in the face. 2) to be my recurring booty call. I laughed and told him I appreciated the offers. We joked about punching J. in the face, and then he said, “I wasn’t kidding about the other offer, you know.” “I know…I’m in.”

            We both had early classes the next day, and so he got offline to attempt to sleep…and was back on less than 10 minutes later. Too keyed up to sleep. And who could blame him? I was certainly too wound up to sleep. So we made plans instead. Who has a sex date on Thursday morning? This girl.

Always Something There to Remind Me

It started like any other day: get up, shower, eat a bagel. Then I started working on a protect for a friend, a baby blanket. And so I spent some time thinking about the baby I lost years ago. And about him. I shook it off, did something else for awhile.

Then a song came on the radio. One of Our songs. I changed the station. It was a bad voodoo day. Every station was playing a song that reminded me of him, so I finished the drive to work in silence. This was of course the worst thing I could have done; now my mind was full of him. The good times, the bad times, the tender moments, the big fights, and the romantic gestures.

Being at work with the kids didn't help either. They have been on this kick where the only game they want to play is Life. I can't help but think about the path I had mapped out for a life with him.

And then I was home alone, and the only thing more deafening than the silence was the endless string of thoughts of him, and how he left. And now he's marrying another woman, when he was supposed to marry me. And then I gave in to the impulse that I have far more often than is comfortable, although I don't give in every time.

I went into the spare room and took my wedding dress out of the closet and laid it on the bed. And stared at the bag, trying to convince myself to leave it alone. But since when do I take advice from anyone, even myself? I took it out of the bag and touched it reverently, still in awe of its perfection. And then I got out the rest: my veil, my tiara, my corset and petticoat. I removed them from all the layers of paper and plastic and laid them out beside my dress. But of course I didn't just admire them and put them away.

I put them on and stared at myself in the mirror. Looking back at me was the woman I had wanted to become, the woman that a part of me still yearns to be. My playlist finally came to THE song, Our Song. And it was just one more broken promise than I could bear. I carefully undressed and gently put away my wedding day finery before I let the first tear fall.

Why did I do this to myself? I know the answer. I still love him, even though I'll never be his bride. Not even if he asked again.

Not my style, but...

On New years eve I had a one night stand. I've never been that girl, the one who has sex with whomever she pleases whenever she pleases, whether I care or not. It was fun, but I can't decide how to feel about it. Sad because it was meaningless? Powerful because I am still desirable? Happy because it was very satisfying sex? I don't know. Probably a little of each. It was good and all, but is this something I'm ever going to do again, or is it out if my system now? I'll figure it out eventually...

Keep On Keeping On

What am I doing now? Good question. I am literally sitting on Reece's couch typing and watching Get Him to the Greek. But what else is going on?

Still talking to M. He's been restless and short the last few days, so now I'm giving him space. I doubt he misses me, but when he does he'll come back. It could be something someday, but for now he's too emotionally damaged for a relationship. At least he's honest.

I'm on another dating site, but I still haven't gone out. I lose my nerve, or the guys do/say something pervy, and then I just don't want to go. Apathy. It's a beautiful thing...yeah...

So far it's ok being back at Mom and Dad's, but it's definitely still lonely. Very lonely. Makes even the pervs sound a little tempting...uh, don't think about that.

Let's sum it up: Single? yup. Lonely? definitely. Still haven't forgiven them? Sounds about right. So for now, I'm going to say that the status quo remains unchanged.

On Meeting New People

So last time I mentioned that I had started making new friends. There's the girl next door, Sarah Q. Sarah's sister Christine, and her brother Sean. And then Sarah F. and other people that I met at a party that I crashed with Reece. New friends are nice, but I still prefer my old ones lol. But One of the  people I met is absolutely amazing. Loves travel and adventure, and books and music, and is a family oriented person at heart. And there are a million other things that just floor me. His name is ...going to remain a secret. So I'm just going to refer to him as M.

I've only known him for 10 days. We talk every day, texting or facebook, or the night we actually hung out, walking and talking for over 3 hours. He makes me think. He makes me feel interesting, where I've mostly felt like I've been boring people, even my best friends. And I haven't even mentioned how pretty he is. 

I haven't told anybody this, not even Reece (although she'll know as soon as I post this lol). When M. and I met at that party, we made eye contact, and I experienced deja vu. This is not the first time it's happened to me, but it's definitely the first time a person has ever triggered it. And maybe it means something. And maybe it's nothing. But it's certainly interesting.

The Big Move

In the last month (give or take) where I have not been keeping up with my blogging (sorry) I have made some huge changes in my life.

1) I transferred from Mott Community College to Eastern Michigan University. I will spend approximately the same amount of time in school, and I will have a bachelor's degree instead of an associate's degree with a crazy waiting period. It will allow me to keep my health insurance, which will in turn allow me to have a bariatric procedure done in the summer. I'm very excited about the whole thing.

2) I moved in with my parents. As of two weeks ago, I live with them in a suburb of a very large city. I don't care for the location. It is almost 2 hours away from where I really want to be, near my church and friends, and my life. I'm almost unpacked, I have cleaned out a lot of stuff and downsized a bit. It's not so bad, I guess.

3) I got a new job as a nanny. I quit my home health care job, and they were very sad to see me go. My manager told me that if I ever needed anything, to give him a call. It was very sweet. My new job is amazing!!! I'm working with a family with two kids, a 5 year old boy (T) and an 8 year old girl (A). I love it, and those kids brighten up my whole day!!! For example: yesterday at work, I got to pretend to be Darth Vader, and had an epic lightsaber battle that ranged throughout the entire house. Additionally, I started teaching (T) how to play the Star Wars theme on piano. My job rocks!

4) I've started to meet people. And talk to people. And register for classes. Who knows, maybe I'll go on a date next. That would be a huge step.

In conclusion, I'm doing alright.

Things that Should Never Happen...

So remember me telling you about that job that I was suspended from? Well they fired me yesterday. And then I went to church, for my bell choir rehearsal. For a group which also includes my ex-fiance. I felt like crap. And he smiled at me.

At the end of rehearsal we were both walking out with a mutual friend, REN, who asked me what was wrong, and so I told them, and they were full of sympathy. And then I stood out in the parking lot, while the ex checked something on my car upon request, until we were the only ones there. I am not proud of what happened next.

He told me that I looked mad and upset, and he asked if I wanted a hug. I had the option to say no, but of course I didn't. And I cried. I soaked his shoulder with tears. And he just held me and told me it would be ok, and I just cried harder. And then finally I couldn't take the closeness anymore, and I pushed him away, and he stood there in the parking lot with me, and listened to my problems, many of which can be layed at his feet. And he answered some questions I had about the end of our relationship, and he didn't lie to me. That was a nice change.

I hated myself a little bit. I knew that he wouldn't leave me there alone as long as I was still crying. And I could have tried to pull myself together, but I didn't. And then I went home and dreamed about him.

I've been out of sorts all day. I feel like I could fall into a bottle and never crawl out. And SDP, I know you're probably reading this and thinking "You're not an alcoholic..." Well I feel like I am. And that's the issue. Yet another thing I can lay at JLR's feet...