A Proposition

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

            This was not what I expected. Only in my wildest dreams, maybe. I can’t focus today. Couldn’t sleep last night. Too Restless. Too Anxious. Too Excited.

            So the last few days M. has been texting me a lot. I figured he missed my sparkling personality. Yesterday he texted me just to chat. He got a new phone; how school was going; home life. We eventually morphed from texting to IM’ing.

            We talked about loneliness and isolation and insomnia. He simply can’t sleep. I have trouble sleeping alone. I jokingly told him he should get laid – that would help him sleep. He laughed and agreed. And then we just talked about sex. Partners, experiences, risky locations. I asked how long it’s been for him. “About 2 months. You?” “About 2 weeks.” I told him about my one night stand with J., and how he’s ignored me since.

            M. made me two offers: 1) to punch J. in the face. 2) to be my recurring booty call. I laughed and told him I appreciated the offers. We joked about punching J. in the face, and then he said, “I wasn’t kidding about the other offer, you know.” “I know…I’m in.”

            We both had early classes the next day, and so he got offline to attempt to sleep…and was back on less than 10 minutes later. Too keyed up to sleep. And who could blame him? I was certainly too wound up to sleep. So we made plans instead. Who has a sex date on Thursday morning? This girl.

Always Something There to Remind Me

It started like any other day: get up, shower, eat a bagel. Then I started working on a protect for a friend, a baby blanket. And so I spent some time thinking about the baby I lost years ago. And about him. I shook it off, did something else for awhile.

Then a song came on the radio. One of Our songs. I changed the station. It was a bad voodoo day. Every station was playing a song that reminded me of him, so I finished the drive to work in silence. This was of course the worst thing I could have done; now my mind was full of him. The good times, the bad times, the tender moments, the big fights, and the romantic gestures.

Being at work with the kids didn't help either. They have been on this kick where the only game they want to play is Life. I can't help but think about the path I had mapped out for a life with him.

And then I was home alone, and the only thing more deafening than the silence was the endless string of thoughts of him, and how he left. And now he's marrying another woman, when he was supposed to marry me. And then I gave in to the impulse that I have far more often than is comfortable, although I don't give in every time.

I went into the spare room and took my wedding dress out of the closet and laid it on the bed. And stared at the bag, trying to convince myself to leave it alone. But since when do I take advice from anyone, even myself? I took it out of the bag and touched it reverently, still in awe of its perfection. And then I got out the rest: my veil, my tiara, my corset and petticoat. I removed them from all the layers of paper and plastic and laid them out beside my dress. But of course I didn't just admire them and put them away.

I put them on and stared at myself in the mirror. Looking back at me was the woman I had wanted to become, the woman that a part of me still yearns to be. My playlist finally came to THE song, Our Song. And it was just one more broken promise than I could bear. I carefully undressed and gently put away my wedding day finery before I let the first tear fall.

Why did I do this to myself? I know the answer. I still love him, even though I'll never be his bride. Not even if he asked again.

Not my style, but...

On New years eve I had a one night stand. I've never been that girl, the one who has sex with whomever she pleases whenever she pleases, whether I care or not. It was fun, but I can't decide how to feel about it. Sad because it was meaningless? Powerful because I am still desirable? Happy because it was very satisfying sex? I don't know. Probably a little of each. It was good and all, but is this something I'm ever going to do again, or is it out if my system now? I'll figure it out eventually...