So remember me telling you about that job that I was suspended from? Well they fired me yesterday. And then I went to church, for my bell choir rehearsal. For a group which also includes my ex-fiance. I felt like crap. And he smiled at me.
At the end of rehearsal we were both walking out with a mutual friend, REN, who asked me what was wrong, and so I told them, and they were full of sympathy. And then I stood out in the parking lot, while the ex checked something on my car upon request, until we were the only ones there. I am not proud of what happened next.
He told me that I looked mad and upset, and he asked if I wanted a hug. I had the option to say no, but of course I didn't. And I cried. I soaked his shoulder with tears. And he just held me and told me it would be ok, and I just cried harder. And then finally I couldn't take the closeness anymore, and I pushed him away, and he stood there in the parking lot with me, and listened to my problems, many of which can be layed at his feet. And he answered some questions I had about the end of our relationship, and he didn't lie to me. That was a nice change.
I hated myself a little bit. I knew that he wouldn't leave me there alone as long as I was still crying. And I could have tried to pull myself together, but I didn't. And then I went home and dreamed about him.
I've been out of sorts all day. I feel like I could fall into a bottle and never crawl out. And SDP, I know you're probably reading this and thinking "You're not an alcoholic..." Well I feel like I am. And that's the issue. Yet another thing I can lay at JLR's feet...
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pulling myself together
It has been a really difficult year for me. Let's recap:
January - Engaged and living with a man (JLR) with a really crappy job. Retaking a difficult nursing class while working. Barely making ends meet.
February - We decide not to celebrate Valentine's Day, because we didn't have any extra cash to spend, not even on a simple dinner date. He and I are fighting. A lot.
March - JLR comes home one night to tell me that after almost 5 years, he's not happy, and he's thinking about leaving me. One of my best friends (DMO), and roommates, moves out of our home.
April - Midterms. JLR actually leaves me. Brutally. I fail an exam, due to lack of focus. Then JLR starts dating DMO less than a week after leaving. I am devastated. And I descend into a depression with a bottle of tequila.
May - Still drinking too much. Still not focusing well on anything that is not directly related to holding myself together in public. Got ferociously drunk on our 5 year anniversary.
June - Fail another class, only my program won't let me retake it. I officially flunk out of school. Blame JLR for the whole thing. Kindle some fury.
July - Still angry at the whole world.
August - Transfer schools, only this one has a two year waiting list for the classes that I need. Awesome (sarcasm).
September - Met a really great guy. Who is not interested in me at all. Not that I'm totally ready to try again anyway. (Still blaming JLR)
and that brings us to
October - working two jobs. Until I got suspended from one of them on suspicion of stealing coupons. Still waiting to find out whether or not they are going to fire me.
And there are still two and a half months left for something to go horribly wrong in 2012.
Don't get me wrong, a few good things came out of this rotten year: I am saved from marrying a lying, cheating, good-for-nothing. I no longer have a friend so desperate for a relationship that she has to steal mine. I got to spend some really good quality time with my BFF (SDP). I have proven that I can rise to a challenge, and overcome obstacles. I realized that I have an amazing work ethic. I learned that I can still make new friends. I became aware of a great deal of inner strength. I developed a closer relationship with my brother, and managed to stay close with my mom, and maintained status quo with my dad.
Currently I am trying to live with the fact that I am moving away from my friends, my job, my church, and my entire life at the end of this year. It's a good decision, logical, practical, and focused on my future successes. But it's hard to deal with it, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to hate it.
I am moving back in with my parents. I am going back to school full time. I'm going to finish my nursing degree. I'm going to stay on my dad's health insurance so that I can undergo bariatric surgery. I am going to try to become everything that I couldn't before, not with JLR holding me back. I am going to invest the next few years in myself, and see where I end up.
I hope it's worth it.
January - Engaged and living with a man (JLR) with a really crappy job. Retaking a difficult nursing class while working. Barely making ends meet.
February - We decide not to celebrate Valentine's Day, because we didn't have any extra cash to spend, not even on a simple dinner date. He and I are fighting. A lot.
March - JLR comes home one night to tell me that after almost 5 years, he's not happy, and he's thinking about leaving me. One of my best friends (DMO), and roommates, moves out of our home.
April - Midterms. JLR actually leaves me. Brutally. I fail an exam, due to lack of focus. Then JLR starts dating DMO less than a week after leaving. I am devastated. And I descend into a depression with a bottle of tequila.
May - Still drinking too much. Still not focusing well on anything that is not directly related to holding myself together in public. Got ferociously drunk on our 5 year anniversary.
June - Fail another class, only my program won't let me retake it. I officially flunk out of school. Blame JLR for the whole thing. Kindle some fury.
July - Still angry at the whole world.
August - Transfer schools, only this one has a two year waiting list for the classes that I need. Awesome (sarcasm).
September - Met a really great guy. Who is not interested in me at all. Not that I'm totally ready to try again anyway. (Still blaming JLR)
and that brings us to
October - working two jobs. Until I got suspended from one of them on suspicion of stealing coupons. Still waiting to find out whether or not they are going to fire me.
And there are still two and a half months left for something to go horribly wrong in 2012.
Don't get me wrong, a few good things came out of this rotten year: I am saved from marrying a lying, cheating, good-for-nothing. I no longer have a friend so desperate for a relationship that she has to steal mine. I got to spend some really good quality time with my BFF (SDP). I have proven that I can rise to a challenge, and overcome obstacles. I realized that I have an amazing work ethic. I learned that I can still make new friends. I became aware of a great deal of inner strength. I developed a closer relationship with my brother, and managed to stay close with my mom, and maintained status quo with my dad.
Currently I am trying to live with the fact that I am moving away from my friends, my job, my church, and my entire life at the end of this year. It's a good decision, logical, practical, and focused on my future successes. But it's hard to deal with it, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to hate it.
I am moving back in with my parents. I am going back to school full time. I'm going to finish my nursing degree. I'm going to stay on my dad's health insurance so that I can undergo bariatric surgery. I am going to try to become everything that I couldn't before, not with JLR holding me back. I am going to invest the next few years in myself, and see where I end up.
I hope it's worth it.
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